Divorce is never easy. Even in the most amicable separations, there are disagreements about property, finances, and children. This is normal conflict. Spouses can disagree, even strongly, about who gets the house or how to split a retirement account. But with the help of lawyers, or a mediator, they eventually find a compromise. They are both working, even if reluctantly, toward the same goal: a resolution.
But a high-conflict divorce is something else entirely.
In a high-conflict divorce, the process is not about resolution. It is about punishment. It is not about dividing assets; it is about winning. It is not about co-parenting; it is about controlling.
In the Florida legal system, “high-conflict” is not a formal legal designation written into a statute. Instead, it is a practical description of a case dynamic that dictates a complete shift in legal strategy. It is a pattern of behavior, almost always driven by one party, that makes conventional negotiation, mediation, and amicable resolution impossible. These cases are characterized by intense animosity, endless litigation, and a refusal to co-parent, often stemming from one party’s personality or psychological makeup.
Recognizing that you are in a high-conflict divorce is the single most important step you can take to protect yourself, your finances, and your children. Using the wrong strategy, such as trying to “be reasonable” with an unreasonable person, will only prolong the pain and cost you more in the long run. If these red flags feel familiar, you must adjust your expectations and legal strategy immediately. You will need a Tampa divorce lawyer who understands that this is not a traditional divorce.
Here are the 10 red flags you cannot afford to ignore.
1. The Presence of a High-Conflict Personality (HCP)
This is the engine that drives almost every other red flag on this list. While it is not a lawyer’s job to diagnose anyone, experienced family law attorneys recognize the behavioral patterns associated with certain personality disorders that make divorce incredibly volatile. These often include traits associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), or other cluster B personality disorders.
A spouse with narcissistic traits may view the divorce as the ultimate narcissistic injury. Their entire worldview is built around an image of perfection and control. Your decision to leave shatters that image. As a result, the divorce is not a process of separation; it is a war they must “win” to restore their sense of superiority. They will require “narcissistic supply” by getting a reaction from you, “winning” in court, or convincing everyone that they are the victim. They lack the empathy to see the divorce from your perspective or understand the damage they are inflicting on the children.
A spouse with borderline traits may be driven by an intense, overwhelming fear of abandonment. This can manifest as extreme emotional volatility. One day they may send you loving emails begging to reconcile, and the next day they accuse you of heinous crimes. This “splitting” behavior, where you are either “all good” or “all bad,” makes any consistent negotiation impossible. Their emotional state is a rollercoaster, and they will try to drag you, your lawyer, and the judge along for the ride.
When these personalities are involved, standard logic does not apply. You cannot “co-parent” with someone who lacks empathy. You cannot “compromise” with someone who sees anything less than total victory as a complete loss. Recognizing this dynamic is the first step toward building a legal strategy based on containment and firm boundaries, which a high-conflict Tampa divorce lawyer will know how to implement.
2. Constant, Extreme, and Blaming Communication
In a high-conflict divorce, communication is not a tool for problem-solving; it is a weapon. This red flag manifests in a few different ways.
First, there is the sheer volume. This is not just an angry email. This is an avalanche. It is 50 text messages a day, followed by 10 rambling, all-caps emails sent in the middle of the night. It is a constant stream of accusations, demands, and veiled threats. The goal is to harass you into submission. It is a digital form of stalking designed to make you feel like you have no escape, to wear you down until you give in just to make it stop.
Second, there is the content. The communication is entirely blame-focused. A high-conflict person has a total inability to engage in self-reflection or take personal responsibility for any part of the marriage’s breakdown. Everything is your fault. The emails are not “I am sad this is happening.” They are “You are a terrible person. You did this to our family. You are selfish, and you will pay for this.” They will re-write history to paint you as the villain and themselves as the perfect, innocent victim.
This tactic makes negotiation impossible. How can you discuss a parenting plan with someone who opens every conversation by accusing you of destroying their life? You cannot. This is why a key strategy in these cases is to shut down direct communication. All communication must be funneled through legal counsel or a court-ordered co-parenting app where it can be monitored.
3. A Total Refusal to Cooperate or Communicate
This is the opposite side of the same coin as red flag number two. While one high-conflict person will harass you with constant communication, another will use the “stone wall” approach. This is a complete and total refusal to cooperate on even the simplest, most mundane issues.
They will not respond to your lawyer’s emails. They will not provide the financial documents required by Florida law. They will not agree on a time to get the children’s school supplies. They will not sign a simple stipulation to sell a car that both of you agreed to sell.
This is a tactic of control. They know you need their signature, their information, or their agreement to move forward. By withholding it, they keep you stuck. They are asserting their power over you and over the process. They are, in effect, taking the divorce process hostage.
This refusal to cooperate has a specific legal consequence: it forces litigation. In a normal divorce, lawyers can exchange financial documents informally. In a high-conflict divorce, your lawyer is forced to file a Motion to Compel discovery. Your lawyer is forced to file a motion with the court to request that the car be sold. Every simple step becomes a contested, expensive legal battle. This is the goal. The high-conflict spouse wants to make the process so slow, so painful, and so expensive that you eventually give up and give in to their demands.
4. Using Children as Pawns and Messengers
This is one of the most common and most damaging red flags in a high-conflict divorce. The high-conflict parent cannot separate their feelings about their spouse from their role as a parent. As a result, the children become instruments of the conflict.
This behavior takes many forms. It can be subtle, like making sad comments in front of the child: “I am so lonely now that Daddy left us,” or “We cannot afford to go to the movies because Mommy is taking all our money.” These comments force the child into a terrible position, making them feel guilty for spending time with the other parent or responsible for the adult’s emotional well-being.
It can be more direct. The parent might use the child as a messenger: “Tell your father he is late on child support.” This puts the child in the middle of the adult conflict. They might also use the child as a spy: “What did Mommy do this weekend? Did she have anyone over? Who was she talking to on the phone?”
The parent will also interfere with your timesharing. They might suddenly claim the child is “too sick” to go with you (a “miraculous” illness that appears every other Friday). They might schedule activities or doctor’s appointments during your court-ordered time without consulting you. They will make exchanges tense and difficult, starting an argument in the driveway or refusing to let the child go until the last possible second. Every single interaction is a new battleground, and the child is the weapon.
5. The Emergence of Parental Alienation
This is red flag number four taken to its most extreme and destructive conclusion. Parental alienation is not just one or two bad comments. It is a systematic, deliberate, and relentless campaign to destroy the child’s loving relationship with the other parent.
The alienating parent is on a mission to convince the child that you are dangerous, unloving, or have abandoned them. They will lie to the child, telling them you are the reason for the divorce, that you never loved them, or that you are trying to hurt them. They will intercept your phone calls and text messages. They will “reward” the child for rejecting you and “punish” them for showing you affection.
The tragic result is that the child, in a desperate act of self-preservation, aligns with the high-conflict parent. They begin to parrot the alienator’s false claims. They may suddenly refuse to see you, claiming they are afraid of you, even when there is no history of abuse.
This is a very serious and complex issue in Florida family court. Florida Statute 61.13, which governs parenting plans, requires the court to consider many factors in determining the child’s best interests. One of these factors is “The demonstrated capacity and disposition of each parent to… protect the child from the ongoing litigation as demonstrated by not discussing the litigation with the child.” Another is “The developmental needs of the child and the demonstrated capacity… of each parent to meet the child’s developmental needs.”
Parental alienation is a direct assault on these principles. Proving it requires a detailed collection of evidence (texts, emails, and journals) and often the involvement of mental health professionals like a social investigator or a reunification therapist. This is a complex legal challenge that requires a Tampa divorce lawyer with specific experience in this toxic dynamic.
6. Constant Litigation Over Minor, Frivolous Issues
In a high-conflict divorce, the courtroom becomes a stage, and motions are the preferred weapon. The high-conflict spouse is not using the court to resolve a legitimate dispute; they are using it to harass, control, and financially drain the other party.
In a typical divorce, you might have a hearing for temporary relief and then a final hearing or trial. In a high-conflict divorce, there are endless hearings. Your spouse will file an “Emergency Motion to Suspend Timesharing” because you got the child a haircut without their “permission.” They will file a Motion for Contempt because you were seven minutes late for an exchange due to traffic. They will file a motion to demand you pay for 100% of a school field trip, even though the plan says you split it 50/50.
Each of these frivolous filings requires a formal, legal response. Your Tampa divorce lawyer must stop other work, review the motion, contact you, draft a sworn affidavit for you to sign, prepare a legal response citing Florida law, and then prepare for and attend a hearing. This can cost thousands of dollars, all over an issue that is not an emergency and could have been solved with a simple text message.
This is the tactic. It is called “litigation abuse.” The goal is not to “win” on the minor issue. The goal is to make your life a living hell. The goal is to force you to spend all of your money on attorney’s fees until you have nothing left to fight with. They are trying to “bleed you dry” so you will finally give in on the major issues, like alimony or the marital home.
7. Making False Allegations of Abuse or Neglect
This is the “scorched earth” or “nuclear” option in a high-conflict divorce. When the high-conflict person feels they are losing control, they will escalate their tactics to a truly dangerous level. They will invent allegations of domestic violence, child abuse, or substance abuse to gain an advantage in the case.
The most common tactic is to file a false Petition for an Injunction for Protection Against Domestic Violence (a restraining order). They will twist a normal argument into a claim of “fear.” If they are successful in getting a temporary injunction, you can be immediately thrown out of your own home and barred from seeing your children, all before you have had a chance to present your side of the story. They then use this injunction as “evidence” in the divorce case, arguing that you are a “violent” person and should not have 50/50 custody.
Another common tactic is to make a false, anonymous report to the Florida Department of Children and Families (DCF). This launches an invasive investigation. A social worker will show up at your home, at your child’s school, and at your job. Even when the report is “unfounded,” the high-conflict spouse has succeeded in terrorizing you, attempting to damage your reputation, and creating a “record” they can point to later.
Defending against these false allegations must be the number one priority. You must treat any such claim with the utmost seriousness. It requires an aggressive and immediate legal response from a Tampa divorce lawyer who knows how to cross-examine the accuser, present evidence of their lies, and expose this tactic to the judge for what it is.
8. Refusing to Disclose Finances or Hiding Assets
Florida law is very clear on financial disclosure. In any divorce, both parties must provide a complete, truthful, and detailed Financial Affidavit and exchange a long list of “mandatory discovery” documents, including bank statements, tax returns, pay stubs, and retirement account statements.
The high-conflict spouse views this legal obligation as a game to be won. Their financial strategy is one of “delay, deflect, and deceive.”
First, they will delay. They will miss the legal deadlines to provide their documents. They will claim they “cannot find” their bank statements or that their accountant “has” their tax returns. This forces your attorney to file motions, schedule hearings, and waste time and money just to get the basic information you are entitled to by law.
Second, they will deflect. When they finally provide documents, they will be incomplete. They will provide one bank statement but not the other. They will provide a blurry, unreadable copy. They will redact information that should not be redacted.
Finally, they will deceive. This is where it moves from non-compliance to outright fraud. They will “forget” to list a bonus they received. They will “undersell” the value of their business. They may actively hide assets by transferring money to a new, secret account, “loaning” money to a family member (with a plan to get it back after the divorce), or overpaying the IRS to get a large refund after the divorce is final.
An experienced Tampa divorce lawyer will immediately recognize these tactics and engage in aggressive discovery, issuing subpoenas directly to the banks, financial institutions, and employers. In many cases, it is necessary to hire a forensic accountant to trace the money and uncover the truth.
9. Blatantly Ignoring Court Orders and Agreements
A high-conflict person often believes that the rules simply do not apply to them. They see court orders not as binding legal requirements, but as mere “suggestions” that they can ignore if they are inconvenient.
This is one of the most frustrating red flags. You spend months fighting for a temporary timesharing schedule. The judge finally signs the order. You feel a moment of relief, thinking there is finally a clear set of rules. Then, the very first weekend, your spouse violates it. They show up an hour late for the exchange or refuse to let you have your scheduled phone call with the child.
The same applies to money. The court orders your spouse to pay $1,000 a month in temporary alimony. The first month, they pay $500. The next, they do not pay at all, claiming a sudden “emergency” or a “bad month” at work.
This is a direct challenge to the court’s authority and a test of your resolve. The high-conflict spouse is betting that you will not have the time, money, or energy to drag them back to court. They are betting that you will just give up.
You cannot. When a court order is violated, you must respond. This means your Tampa divorce lawyer must file a Motion for Contempt and Enforcement. This motion asks the judge to find your spouse in contempt of court, order them to follow the rules, and make them pay the attorney’s fees you incurred to file the motion. This is the only way to establish boundaries and show the high-conflict party that there are real consequences for their actions.
10. Hiring an “Attack Dog” Attorney (or Cycling Through Lawyers)
You can often tell what kind of divorce you are in by looking at the lawyer your spouse hires. High-conflict people are often drawn to “scorched earth” attorneys who mirror their own personality. This lawyer will be aggressive from day one, filing frivolous motions, refusing to grant simple professional courtesies (like an extension on a deadline), and sending threatening letters. They are not interested in a settlement; they are interested in billing their client and “winning” a fight.
The other side of this coin is the spouse who constantly fires their lawyers. This is a deliberate stall tactic. You will spend months negotiating with their first lawyer, only to be told, right before mediation, that the lawyer has been fired. Then, a new lawyer appears, and the entire process must start from scratch. They have to get “up to speed,” which buys your spouse another two to three months of delay. They may repeat this process two, three, or even four times.
This tactic is designed to frustrate you and deplete your finances. The best way to combat it is to have your own stable, professional Tampa divorce lawyer who refuses to be drawn into the drama. A good lawyer will remain calm, objective, and focused on the facts. They will not get into a mud-slinging match with the opposing counsel. Instead, they will continue to push the case forward, document the delays for the judge, and focus on moving toward a final hearing, regardless of who is sitting in the other attorney’s chair.
What to Do If These Red Flags Sound Familiar
If you are reading this and nodding your head, it is crucial that you shift your mindset. You cannot treat this like a normal divorce. Trying to be “reasonable” or “nice” will be interpreted as weakness and will be exploited.
- Stop All Direct Communication. Your first step is to create a boundary. All communication with your spouse should be in writing, preferably through a court-ordered co-parenting platform (like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents). If that is not in place, use email. Never speak on the phone or in person without a witness. Keep your written communication short, factual, and devoid of emotion. (This is often called the “BIFF” method: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm).
- Document Everything. You are no longer in a relationship; you are building a case. Create a secure digital folder. Save every single email, text message, and voicemail. Keep a calendar or journal of every missed timesharing, every late support payment, and every incident where the children are used as messengers. Dates, times, and direct quotes are your best evidence.
- Build Your Team. You cannot go through this alone. Your team should include:
- A Therapist: You need a qualified mental health professional to help you process the emotional trauma of the abuse and develop coping strategies.
- A Children’s Therapist: If your children are old enough, a play therapist or counselor can give them a safe, neutral space to process their feelings without a loyalty bind.
- A High-Conflict Lawyer: You must hire a lawyer who has specific, verifiable experience with high-conflict personalities and litigation-heavy cases.
- Hire the Right Legal Counsel. When you interview potential attorneys, do not just ask if they handle “divorce.” Ask them specific questions: “Have you handled cases involving parental alienation?” “What is your strategy when the other side refuses to provide financial discovery?” “How do you handle a spouse who files constant, frivolous motions?”
You need a Tampa divorce lawyer who is not afraid of the courtroom. While many cases settle, yours may not. You need a strategic litigator who is prepared to go to trial, who can present your evidence clearly to a judge, and who can create a Final Judgment that is so detailed and specific that it leaves no room for your ex-spouse to “interpret” the rules.
A high-conflict divorce is a long, difficult, and expensive marathon. But with the right preparation, the right boundaries, and the right legal team, you can get through it. The goal is not to “win”; the goal is to get a fair, final, and enforceable judgment that protects your finances, your safety, and your children’s future.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
What is the difference between a contested divorce and a high-conflict divorce? A contested divorce means you and your spouse disagree on one or more specific issues, like the value of the house or the amount of alimony. However, both parties are generally rational and working toward a resolution. A high-conflict divorce is driven by a person and their personality, featuring a pattern of destructive behavior, a refusal to compromise, and a “win-at-all-costs” mentality that often has no logical basis.
Can mediation work in a high-conflict divorce in Florida? It is difficult, but not always impossible. For mediation to work, a very skilled and strong mediator is required, and both lawyers must be present. The mediator must be able to control the room and shut down the high-conflict party’s blaming and manipulative tactics. In many cases, mediation is used as another tactic to delay, and the case will ultimately have to be resolved by a judge.
What is a Parenting Coordinator and do I need one in my Tampa case? A Parenting Coordinator (PC) is a neutral third party, usually a mental health professional or a lawyer, appointed by the court in high-conflict custody cases. Their job is to help parents resolve day-to-day disputes outside of court, such as disagreements over holiday schedules, extracurriculars, or medical decisions. A PC can be an invaluable tool to manage the conflict and protect the children from it.
My spouse is making false allegations to DCF. What should I do? First, take a deep breath. Second, cooperate fully, calmly, and professionally with the DCF investigator. Provide them with any information they request and show them that you have a safe, clean home and a loving relationship with your child. Third, immediately inform your Tampa divorce lawyer. Your attorney will document this event as part of the pattern of harassment and may bring it to the judge’s attention.
How can a Tampa divorce lawyer help me if my spouse refuses to communicate? If your spouse refuses to communicate, your lawyer takes over. They will use the formal legal process. For information (like finances), they will issue subpoenas. To force action (like selling a property), they will file a motion with the court. Your lawyer essentially creates communication by forcing your spouse to respond to a judge, removing your spouse’s ability to “stone wall” you.
The McKinney Law Group: Tampa Divorce Attorneys Protecting What Matters Most
Every divorce is different, and your legal strategy should be too. We help Tampa clients safeguard their children, assets, and financial stability through skilled and compassionate representation.
Call 813-428-3400 or email [email protected] to schedule your consultation.