Your phone buzzes. You see the name on the screen and your stomach drops. It is an email, or maybe a 10-paragraph text message, from your ex-spouse.
Your heart pounds before you even open it. You know what is inside: a long list of accusations, a re-writing of history, insults about your parenting, demands for money, and a final, thinly-veiled threat.
Your first instinct is human. You want to defend yourself. You want to correct every lie, point out their hypocrisy, and fight back. Your fingers hover over the keyboard, ready to type a furious, point-by-point rebuttal.
Stop. This is a trap.
In a high-conflict divorce, communication is not about solving problems. It is about power. Your ex-spouse is not writing to you to find a solution. They are writing to provoke you, to get a reaction, to hook you back into the conflict. They are “baiting” you.
When you respond with emotion—whether it is anger, defense, or detailed explanations—you are taking the bait. You are giving them exactly what they want: your emotional energy, your time, and, most importantly, written evidence that you are just as “unstable” and “difficult” as they claim you are.
This is where you must stop acting like a spouse and start acting like a strategist. This is where you need a new tool.
It is called the BIFF method.
Developed by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute, BIFF is a simple, powerful communication model designed to disarm high-conflict individuals and stop the cycle of hostility. It is not just a self-help tip; it is a critical legal strategy that an experienced Tampa divorce lawyer will tell you is essential for protecting your case and your sanity.
BIFF is an acronym that stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. Learning to use it will be one of the most difficult, and most valuable, skills you will master during your divorce.
Why Your Old Way of Communicating Fails
Before we build the new, let’s tear down the old. The reason you feel “stuck” in these endless, circular arguments is because you are likely using a “logical” communication style with an illogical person. You are probably, without even knowing it, engaging in “JADE.”
JADE stands for:
- Justify
- Argue
- Defend
- Explain
This is what high-conflict people feed on.
- When you Justify why you bought a certain brand of shoes for your child, you give them an opening to criticize your financial decisions.
- When you Argue about what really happened at last week’s exchange, you give them a platform to re-write history.
- When you Defend your parenting skills, you validate their right to question you.
- When you Explain why you need to switch a weekend, you give them a long list of “reasons” they can pick apart and use against you.
The high-conflict person does not care about your explanation. They care about the attention. Your long, detailed, emotional response is “narcissistic supply.” It proves they still have power over you. It proves they can still make you “dance.”
Legally, it is even worse. Your angry, defensive email is a liability. Your Tampa divorce lawyer will have to read that email, and you can be sure the opposing lawyer will be thrilled to receive it. It will be printed, marked as “Exhibit A,” and handed to a Hillsborough County judge to “prove” that you are hostile, uncooperative, and emotionally unstable.
You are, in effect, helping your ex-spouse build their case against you.
The BIFF Method: A Detailed Breakdown
The BIFF method is your shield and your strategy. Its goal is not to continue the conversation. The goal is to end the conversation, respectfully and firmly. It starves the high-conflict person of the emotional drama they crave and creates a clean, professional record for the court.
Let’s break down each component.
1. “B” is for BRIEF
Your response should be short. Five sentences is a good target. A single paragraph is ideal.
Why? Because a high-conflict person is not actually reading your words; they are scanning for emotional hooks. A long, multi-paragraph email is a treasure chest of hooks. It signals to them that they have “won” your time and attention.
What it looks like:
- “Got it. Thanks.”
- “Yes, I can pick her up at 6.”
- “I will check with my attorney and get back to you.”
- “Here is the receipt for the school supplies.”
What it is NOT:
- A 10-point rebuttal.
- A “novel” explaining your feelings or the history of your disagreement.
- A detailed “timeline of events” to prove your point.
This is often the hardest step. You must fight the urge to “be heard” and “set the record straight.” You must accept that you will never set the record straight with this person. The only person you need to set the record straight with is the judge, and your Tampa divorce lawyer will help you do that with facts, not emotional emails.
2. “I” is for INFORMATIVE
This is the only reason you are responding. A BIFF response must contain the necessary information, and only the necessary information. It is purely data-driven.
Why? Because it sticks to the facts. It provides no opinions, no feelings, no accusations, and no defenses. You cannot argue with a fact.
What it looks like:
- “The child’s doctor’s appointment is on Tuesday, October 28th at 3:00 PM.”
- “Per our parenting plan, this is my holiday weekend. I will not be switching.”
- “I have received your request for the $50 reimbursement. I will review it.”
- “Yes, I will be at the exchange location at 6:00 PM on Friday.”
What it is NOT:
- “I feel that you are trying to ruin my weekend…”
- “I think you are being unfair…”
- “You always forget that this is my weekend…”
- “As I already explained to you, I can’t…”
Your feelings are irrelevant to the high-conflict person, and your opinions are just an invitation to argue. Stick to the “who, what, where, and when.” Let the facts speak for themselves.
3. “F” is for FRIENDLY
This is the component that disarms the hostility and protects you in court. “Friendly” does not mean “warm” or “gushy.” It means “cordial” or “civil.” It is a basic, neutral pleasantry.
Why? Because it is impossible to paint a “friendly” response as hostile. When your Tampa divorce lawyer presents a judge with a file, they will see your ex’s hostile, abusive email followed by your calm, civil response. This contrast is devastatingly effective. It immediately shows the judge who the reasonable party is. It neutralizes the “bait.”
What it looks like:
- “Thanks for the email.”
- “I appreciate you letting me know.”
- “Have a good weekend.”
- “I hope you and the kids have a nice trip.”
What it is NOT:
- Sarcastic. (“Thanks for finally letting me know…”)
- Emotional. (“I’m so glad we can finally agree…”)
- Fake. (“I hope you are doing just wonderfully…”)
Just a simple, boring, neutral greeting or closing. It is the “spoonful of sugar” that makes the “firm” medicine go down.
4. “F” is for FIRM
This is the “stop sign.” This is the part of the response that ends the conversation. It does not invite a reply. It states your position or provides the information, and that is it. It signals that the matter is closed.
Why? Because a high-conflict person needs the back-and-forth. The “last word” is their oxygen. A “firm” response does not ask for permission, and it does not invite a debate. It simply states the conclusion.
What it looks like:
- “That is my final answer.”
- “I will not be discussing this further.”
- “I will see you on Friday at 6:00 PM.”
- “Please send all future legal questions to my attorney.”
What it is NOT:
- A threat. (“If you email me again, I’ll call the police!”)
- Aggressive. (“Stop bothering me!”)
- Weak. (“Can we please just stop fighting?” or “I’d really appreciate it if you’d…”).
It is a simple, clear, and unassailable boundary.
The BIFF Method in Action: Real-World Examples
Let’s put this all together. Here are common high-conflict emails and the “Bad” vs. “BIFF” responses.
Example 1: The Parenting Accusation
THE BAD EMAIL: “Subject: You are a DISGRACE I can’t believe you. Timmy told me you let him play video games for FOUR HOURS on your ‘watch.’ You’re rotting his brain. And he said you fed him pizza again. Is that all you know how to do? You’re a lazy parent. I am so sick of having to fix your ‘mistakes’ every time he comes home. If you don’t start acting like a parent, I’m going to have my lawyer file an emergency motion to take away your timesharing. You are unstable.”
THE BAD RESPONSE (JADE & EMOTIONAL): “How DARE you! You are the one who is unstable! First of all, it was two hours, not four, and it was after he finished all his homework. I am NOT a lazy parent. Who are you to talk? You feed him junk food all the time! You’re just angry because he has fun at my house and he’s bored at yours. And I’m not scared of your ’emergency motion.’ Go ahead and try. My Tampa divorce lawyer will laugh you out of court. You’re the one who needs to get a life and stop harassing me!”
- Analysis: This is a disaster. It is defensive, argumentative, and emotional. It provides new accusations for the ex to latch onto (“bored at yours”). It is exactly what the ex wanted. This email is now “Exhibit A” to show you are the hostile one.
THE BIFF RESPONSE: “Hi [Name], (Friendly) Thanks for sharing your concerns. (Informative) Timmy finished his homework and we had a good weekend. We are following the parenting plan. (Firm) I will not be discussing this matter further. (Brief) Have a good week.”
- Analysis: This response is perfect. It is short. It gives no information to argue with (“we had a good weekend”). It does not defend or justify. It simply states that the plan is being followed. It is civil and it ends the conversation. The ex has nowhere to go with this.
Example 2: The Money Demand & Insult
THE BAD EMAIL: “Subject: Your LIES I just saw your financial affidavit. What a joke. You’re claiming you make $60,000? I’m not an idiot. I know you’re hiding money. I know you’re getting paid under the table. You’ve always been a liar. I’m going to prove it. By the way, Sarah needs $150 for her field trip by tomorrow. You better send it, or I’ll tell her you’re the reason she can’t go.”
THE BAD RESPONSE (JADE & DEFENSIVE): “My affidavit is 100% accurate! I am NOT lying. You’re the one who spent all our money! I’m not getting paid ‘under the table.’ I’m working 60 hours a week while you sit around. And how dare you threaten to use Sarah against me! That is parental alienation! You’re a monster. I’ll send the money when I get paid, not when you demand it. Stop this.”
- Analysis: Again, this is pure emotional “supply.” It defends (“I am NOT lying”), it argues (“You’re the one…”), and it makes new accusations (“parental alienation”) that will just start another fight. It gives the ex power by showing how much they upset you.
THE BIFF RESPONSE: “Hi [Name], (Friendly) Thanks for the email. (Informative) My financial affidavit is accurate and was prepared with my Tampa divorce lawyer. Please direct any further legal or financial questions to my attorney. (Informative) Regarding the field trip, please send me the permission slip or the link from the school, and I will pay my half directly, per our agreement. (Firm/Brief) Thanks.”
- Analysis: This is a masterpiece of boundary-setting.
- It does not defend the affidavit; it simply states it is accurate.
- It creates a “firewall” by directing all legal threats to your Tampa divorce lawyer. This is a critical move.
- It does not engage with the $150 “demand.” It calmly asks for proof (the slip) and states the actual agreement (paying half). This exposes their attempt to extort money.
- It is professional, unemotional, and legally sound.
Example 3: The Last-Minute Schedule Change
THE BAD EMAIL: “Subject: URGENT Something has come up and I need to switch weekends. I know it’s your weekend, but this is important. I’ll take the kids. You can have my next weekend.”
(Note: Sometimes the “bad email” is not hostile, but simply a test of your boundaries.)
THE BAD RESPONSE (EMOTIONAL & WEAK): “You can’t do this. This is my weekend. You always do this. You wait until the last minute and expect me to just bend to your will. What’s so ‘important’ anyway? You’re probably just going on a date. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to the kids. I had plans. This is so frustrating.”
- Analysis: This response is a classic “JADE.” It justifies why you are upset, it argues about fairness, and it tries to defend your “plans.” The ex does not care about your plans. This response just opens a negotiation that will end with you being bullied.
THE BIFF RESPONSE (A Simple “No”): “Hi [Name], (Friendly) Thanks for the email. (Informative & Firm) I am not able to switch weekends. (Brief) I will be at the exchange at 6:00 PM on Friday as scheduled.”
- Analysis: This is all that is required. You do not need to explain why. You do not need to justify your “plans.” You are not asking for permission to have your own time. You are simply stating that you are following the court order. It is a polite, firm “no.”
THE BIFF RESPONSE (A Simple “Yes”): “Hi [Name], (Friendly) Thanks for letting me know. (Informative) Yes, I can switch weekends. (Informative & Firm) Please confirm via this email that I will have the children on your next weekend, [Insert Dates], from Friday at 6:00 PM to Sunday at 6:00 PM, per our usual schedule. (Brief) Please confirm.”
- Analysis: If you do agree, you must still be BIFF. This response is friendly and informative, but the “firm” part is critical: it documents the agreement and asks for confirmation in writing to prevent future “misunderstandings.”
BIFF as a Core Legal Strategy in Your Florida Divorce
A Tampa divorce lawyer does not just guide you in the courtroom. A good Tampa divorce lawyer guides you in the day-to-day conflicts that build your case. The BIFF method is not just for your peace of mind; it is one of the most powerful legal strategies you can use.
1. It Creates a Clean Evidence Log. When you have to file a motion with the court, or when you go to mediation, your Tampa divorce lawyer will build an evidence packet. Imagine a judge in Hillsborough County reading a 20-page document. On the left side is a long list of your ex’s hostile, abusive, and unhinged emails. On the right side is your corresponding response, which is always calm, brief, informative, and friendly.
Who do you think the judge will see as the stable, reasonable, child-focused parent? You have won 90% of the argument before you even open your mouth.
2. It Shuts Down Frivolous Litigation. A high-conflict person wants to go to court. It is a stage. They want to drag you into a fight. When you consistently refuse to take the bait, the “game” is no longer fun. When they cannot get an emotional reaction from you, their primary motivation for fighting often fades.
3. It Saves You Thousands in Legal Fees. Think about it. A “bad” email response from you creates a 10-email chain. Your ex responds, you respond, they respond again. Every single one of those emails has to be read by your Tampa divorce lawyer. That is billable time. You are paying your lawyer to read your arguments.
A BIFF response ends the chain. The ex may send one more angry email, but you do not respond. The matter is closed. You have just saved your lawyer (and yourself) hours of wasted time and thousands of dollars in fees.
4. It is Your Best Defense Against Parental Alienation Claims. In custody battles, a common tactic is for one parent to accuse the other of “parental alienation” or “non-communication.” Your log of BIFF responses is your iron-clad defense. It proves, without a doubt, that you have always been willing to communicate in a civil, child-focused way. It shows you are the one trying to co-parent, while the other party is the one trying to fight.
The Hardest Part: What to Expect When You Start
Your ex-spouse is used to you reacting. When you suddenly stop, they will not just give up. They will escalate. This is called an “extinction burst.” They will “poke the bear” harder, trying to get the old reaction they are used to. Their emails will get meaner, more abusive, and more desperate.
You must hold the line.
Do not give in. This is the critical test. Respond with BIFF. And if the communication is only abuse, with no information needed, do not respond at all.
Eventually, they will learn that the “machine” is “broken.” They will learn that poking you no longer produces the satisfying “reward” of your anger. And they will, gradually, stop.
Your peace is on the other side of this. Your emotional freedom is on the other side of this. And your stronger legal case, which your Tampa divorce lawyer is building, is on the other side of this.
You cannot change your ex-spouse. You cannot make them reasonable. You cannot make them “see the light.” You can only change your response. BIFF is your tool to take your power back, one calm, boring email at a time.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
What is the BIFF method? BIFF is a communication strategy for dealing with high-conflict people. It stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. Its goal is to provide essential information in a civil way that ends the hostile conversation, rather than escalating it.
Why can’t I just defend myself if my ex is lying? Defending yourself (“JADE”) is what a high-conflict person wants. It gives them your emotional energy and proves they can control you. Your defense will only be met with more arguments and accusations. Your true defense is a short, factual BIFF response and the evidence you provide to your Tampa divorce lawyer.
What if my ex escalates and gets meaner when I use BIFF? This is a normal reaction called an “extinction burst.” They are trying harder to get the emotional reaction they are used to. You must be consistent and not take the bait. Hold the line, and eventually, the behavior will often fade as it is no longer being “rewarded.”
Isn’t a BIFF response rude or cold? No. A BIFF response is not “cold”; it is “neutral.” The “Friendly” part (e.g., “Thanks for the email,” “Have a good weekend”) is intentionally included to keep it civil and polite. It is far less rude than an angry, defensive, or argumentative email.
When should I not use BIFF and just call my Tampa divorce lawyer? If the email contains a direct legal threat (“I am filing a motion”), a serious financial question, or you are being served with a legal document, do not engage. Forward the email directly to your Tampa divorce lawyer and let them handle it. Your BIFF response in that case can be: “I have forwarded this to my attorney.”
The McKinney Law Group: Tampa Divorce Attorneys Dedicated to Fair Resolutions
We understand how emotionally and financially challenging divorce can be. Our attorneys help Tampa clients reach equitable agreements that protect their family and future.
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